Secrets in relationships

Secret is defined by Collins dictionary as a fact that is known by only a small number of people and is not told to someone else. Dictionary .com defines a secret as something done, made or conducted without the knowledge of others. Something kept from the knowledge of another person.

Have you ever found out that your partner kept a secret from you? And that secret once found out changed your whole view on them. Or you found out that the person you are dating lied about being married, having kids, or even spent time in prison. How did that make you feel? It feels as if your world comes crushing at your feet and regret ever trusting them. Your mind keeps wondering and so many questions come to mind and wondering where you wrong.

Keeping secrets in your relationship might harm you more than you can imagine because as soon as your partner finds out it breaks the trust in the relationship which might eventually ends the relationship. When you lie or keep secrets, what you are really doing is betraying your lover’s trust. Trust is something is hard for a person to do but it is the easiest thing for that person to take away. Though you may think that what you are doing is helping the situation, actually you are hurting the situation. When that person you lied to or kept that secret from finds out the truth, this when you have lost their trust. In their minds, how can they trust or believe anything you ever say again. They also start to wonder what else are you keeping from and why you felt the need to lie or keep that secret from them. Sometimes it is hard to rebuild that trust when trust issues are all of sudden are placed in a relationship. Keeping secrets often prevents people from dealing with the problem at hand.  Keeping secrets leads to increased stress, anxiety, and it often makes you think about the issue

When a person is lied to over and over again, they start building up this wall of protection around them. Their guard becomes so high that it makes impossible for them to believe that their new relationship won’t turn out like the last one. Whether the secret keepers and liars are willing to admit, having secrets and telling lies changes the whole dynamics of your relationship. The truth hurts worse than any lie or secret you choose to keep and the devastation that comes with finding out the truth cuts deep into your soul.

People have various reasons for keeping secrets in relationships but this is very wrong.You realize that when you keep secrets you end up always lying to protect your secret. Some people tend to keep secrets from their partners for a variety of reasons;  it could be from intense amounts of shame, to fear of losing the relationship, to past relationship wounds, to the fear of the packed away emotions exploding out and losing control and others.

Nevertheless there are some secrets are relevant to your relationship and you should identify these putting in mind this is about your relationship.

Some secrets in relationships are buried for good reasons….and keeping those secrets hidden, kept inside, can create a sense of feeling in control and emotionally safe.  These deep, dark buried secrets are scary for many to open up and share the vulnerable issue.  It can feel as if they won’t be able to maintain control, and that the over flowing emotions may not ever have an “end” in sight.  It can simply be scary to open up, to feel the emotion.  Some of these secrets that can be kept are about your ex relstionships. As much as you want to be honest with your partners, men really don’t want to know how much better in bed your ex-boyfriend was than him.  Be satisfied with the knowledge of your previous sexual experiences and understand that your relationship will be better for your dirty little secret to be kept unsaid. In truth, all things from a previous relationship…things that were private between the two of you, should be treated delicately.  Go on the verge of caution when discussing your sexual experiences with your ex.  Men take much pride on their bedroom performance.  He might hate to know that you lied to him, but he might hate even more knowing about your ex’s performance in bed.

Another very important area is personal fears and should be based on your readiness to share your very painful secrets.Some things are very personal, such as a molestation or rape, and your inability to even discuss the topic may lead to half truths and lies.  Although these items may be best shared eventually (and the sharing may help you heal), the timing is vital and if you aren’t ready, then it isn’t time.

Lastly is your friends secrets which is told to you not to be discussed with others.If you have been told something in confidence, there is no reason to break that trust and share the secret with your partner.  Tread lightly and pick and choose.  Maintaining a secret for your friend may lead to a web of lies, so once again tread lightly.  If you told your friend that you would keep the information a secret, keep that secret to the best that you can.

Don’t forget that good relationships are the hallmark of the mature person.

source

Monica Otumfuor